This is Me

No Description Necessary

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Little Peace and Quiet

All jokes aside, I joined eHarmony for 3 reasons:

#1. To say that I did it.

#2. Because they gave me a deal.

#3. If not to find the beginning of "that" final relationship, at least to start dating.

It's been a very long time since I've had a date and an even longer time since I've been in a serious relationship.

I spend every weekend pretty much alone.

Every now and then my one friend and I will go out to dinner or to a movie, but for the most part I'm alone.

So I guess I joined eHarmony for 4 reasons:

#4. To put an end to the loneliness.

I was excited about the "possibility" at first. Every week I logged on and sorted through match after match, but after a while the excitement of the "possibility" wore off. I got bored and I didn't
know why.

One weekend I traveled to another city and had lunch with a group of girls I hadn't talked to in a while. As I listened to them talk about their relationships, I started to feel anxious. Suffocated.
Once again, I couldn't understand why, and let it go.

After I returned home I realized how good a time I had just being out with the girls in a big city with so much to do. This was the social life I had been looking for. Right then I got it: I don't want to be in a relationship.

I want a social life with my fabulous group of female friends. I want my "Living Single" days.

After my college graduation, my life went from "A Different World" to "Girlfriends" without the girlfriends.

I need more people in my life; not a man.

Once I started ignoring my age and started paying more attention to how I feel, I realized that I don't want the responsibility of a relationship. I don't want to have to talk with my significant other first if I want to do something without him.

I go where I want when I want and I don't have to talk to anyone before I do.

I can't tell you how liberating that feeling is.

Too bad I've spent the last 9 years not understanding that feeling. It was always there, but it was hidden underneath all those layers of loneliness.

I'm still lonely, but at least I know what 'type' of lonely.

This is where being alone comes in handy.

With some thought and time, I can figure out what it is I want without other people's opinions making a difference, opening myself up to more of who I am and what I want out of life.

Three months of eHarmony may have cost me $60 that I really didn't have (because I mean it when I say I really would rather have bought some shoes), but it definitely wasn't a waste.

Now I can watch romantic movies without getting depressed; I can see other couples holding hands and comment on how cute they look together instead of getting upset.

I know who I am.

Of course, who I am will keep changing, but I will always know what to do in order to figure myself out.

All I'll need is a little peace and quiet.