This is Me

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Price of Overestimation

Have you ever thought you knew how someone felt about you, only for them to prove you wrong?

I overestimated how important I was to them. And this seems to be happening a lot lately. They said they cared about me, but their actions say differently. You know how it is....

I'm the type of person who needs to get my feelings off of my chest. I don't like to keep stuff in because that hurt feeling will turn into animosity which will turn into hatred. Of course that's hatred for the moment. I'm not going to let my anger for anyone keep me out of heaven, but when you're in that moment where you are down and you reach out, and that person you THOUGHT was a friend doesn't reach back - for me, once the disappointment wears off, I just get angry. So I try to not let the anger get to me by telling that person how much he hurt me, but then you have to think to yourself "If he doesn't care enough to reach back when you reach out, what makes you think he cares that he hurt your feelings?"

Maybe it's my fault for getting attached too quickly. I think I'm like that because I was a military brat, always moving by the time I actually found a friend. We didn't move as often as other families, but I don't make friends easily and am shy, so that makes it harder for me to find friends I can count on. Constantly moving makes you appreciate the moment and the people who are involved with that moment. So, I get attached quickly, care about someone too quickly, open myself up too quickly.

I know it sounds bad for me to open up the way I do to newfound 'friends', but I don't want to go through life *waiting* on someone to prove that you can't trust others. It just seems so pessimistic. I guess that's why that type of thing involves a fine line. I need to let someone prove himself worthy before I open up, but how do you prove yourself worthy if you don't open up? How do you make friends without letting someone in if you can't let someone in until you make friends? You see where I'm going with this? You can't win for losing.

You are probably noticing that I say the word "he" when referring to the person who hurt my feelings. I only have this problem when dealing with males because as pessimistic as this sounds, I don't expect much out of females, so when they do show their true colors, I'm not hurt. I've learned to keep females at a distance because so many of them are so shady. Clearly that's what I need to do for males, too... But then if I keep everyone, both male and female, at a distance like that, how will I finally find someone who WILL be there when I reach out......

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