This is Me

No Description Necessary

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Price of Overestimation

Have you ever thought you knew how someone felt about you, only for them to prove you wrong?

I overestimated how important I was to them. And this seems to be happening a lot lately. They said they cared about me, but their actions say differently. You know how it is....

I'm the type of person who needs to get my feelings off of my chest. I don't like to keep stuff in because that hurt feeling will turn into animosity which will turn into hatred. Of course that's hatred for the moment. I'm not going to let my anger for anyone keep me out of heaven, but when you're in that moment where you are down and you reach out, and that person you THOUGHT was a friend doesn't reach back - for me, once the disappointment wears off, I just get angry. So I try to not let the anger get to me by telling that person how much he hurt me, but then you have to think to yourself "If he doesn't care enough to reach back when you reach out, what makes you think he cares that he hurt your feelings?"

Maybe it's my fault for getting attached too quickly. I think I'm like that because I was a military brat, always moving by the time I actually found a friend. We didn't move as often as other families, but I don't make friends easily and am shy, so that makes it harder for me to find friends I can count on. Constantly moving makes you appreciate the moment and the people who are involved with that moment. So, I get attached quickly, care about someone too quickly, open myself up too quickly.

I know it sounds bad for me to open up the way I do to newfound 'friends', but I don't want to go through life *waiting* on someone to prove that you can't trust others. It just seems so pessimistic. I guess that's why that type of thing involves a fine line. I need to let someone prove himself worthy before I open up, but how do you prove yourself worthy if you don't open up? How do you make friends without letting someone in if you can't let someone in until you make friends? You see where I'm going with this? You can't win for losing.

You are probably noticing that I say the word "he" when referring to the person who hurt my feelings. I only have this problem when dealing with males because as pessimistic as this sounds, I don't expect much out of females, so when they do show their true colors, I'm not hurt. I've learned to keep females at a distance because so many of them are so shady. Clearly that's what I need to do for males, too... But then if I keep everyone, both male and female, at a distance like that, how will I finally find someone who WILL be there when I reach out......

Monday, June 12, 2006

This is Just the Beginning

Last week Tuesday I was complaining to my mom about my current job situation. I have two and even with those two I'm still struggling, living check to check. My second job is in retail, and since retail is a weekend business, we're only allowed to ask off one weekend a month. Plus, we're not allowed to NOT work weekends. We can't just say "I only want to work M-F". It doesn't work like that. So when a friend calls at the last minute on a weekend and says "Let's go here" my answer always is "I can't. I have to work." Any and all type of fun I have on MY weekends has to be planned in advance. There's no room in my life for any spontaneity. I'm 27 wasting my life away working 7 days straight. So you can imagine my frustration.

So as I was saying.... last week Tuesday I was complaining to my mom about my jobs and being broke. Last week Wednesday I received a promotion. Yes, I do get a raise (maybe now I can afford that $19 electric mixer at Wal-Mart rather than mixing my homemade muffins with a spoon - lol). It's not a massive amount but it is enough to keep me from struggling. Maybe now I can start saving. But the main reason God is so good is that this is a management position. I was promoted to a management position within one year of working here, my first REAL job (outside of the summer jobs - I went to grad school right after undergrad.) This job wasn't even supposed to be mine. When I was hired, my boss admitted that my references didn't even call him back, but, in his words, "My work speaks for itself." God has been 'all up and through' this job (as He is with everything else). At the risk of sounding cliche, God makes the impossible possible. I have no words except "Thank you, Lord." I know God has a plan for me, and this *pointing at everything around me - meaning everything going on in my life* is just the beginning....

Monday, June 05, 2006

Just Stay Ashy

I open my blinds Saturday morning and the sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. It looks gorgeous outside. So I put on lotion so I won't be ashy (because I have so much skin showing), a skirt, a cute halter top, and get ready to go to Wal-Mart.

I open the door, close it, lock it and then walk OUT OF THE SHADE into the summer sun when it hits me! *^%$%#@@%^&*(&^$%$#^^& (cursing in my head) It's HOT!!!!! It's HELL outside! LITERALLY

From the time I walked out of the shade till the time the air conditioning in my car cooled off (oh, about a five minute time span) I had sweated my perm out and lotion off! I was slipping and sliding in the car seat from the melted lotion. It felt like my skin was wet like I had been sprayed by the neighbor's sprinkler before I got in the car! I might as well just stay ashy.....

Friday, June 02, 2006

I'm Excited

Every now and then a woman goes through these periods in life when there aren't any guys trying to date her. Sometimes these 'droughts' make her feel like something is wrong with her, make her feel lonely. So when someone does come around, and he's not worthy (read: he's not the Christian man we need to have in our lives) we let him in anyway (I'm not talking sexually, but sometimes that does occur), even though deep down we know good and well he isn't good for us.

I'll admit - I've fallen victim to this a few times... recently. They were Men of God but we weren't on the same level. But I dated them anyway because I'm 27 and have been single for the past 5 years. I'm PAST lonely. (My heart, which has a mind of its own, is longing for someone to love, but my HEAD knows God is keeping me by myself for a reason.) And I ended up getting my feelings hurt. My hurt feelings were God's way of saying "You know he's not good for you."

*I know, Jesus. I know you're working on me so I'll be ready for my husband.*

Some women don't have a good head on their shoulders or a strong relationship with God to remind them of that. Which is where Christian friendship comes into the picture.

Christians need Christian companionship to help them when they're feeling low, when they start to backtrack, or start to doubt the word of God. There are too many women out there who actually believe that all men cheat and if they don't give it up there will be another woman who will. If that's the type of man you have, that's not the type of man you NEED. When you talk to a friend about your frustrations, and the person says "Just get used to it. All men are dogs", that's not the type of person you need, either. (I had to cut that person out of my life with the quickness!) The devil just used that person to place doubt in your heart and people who are too easily used by the devil shouldn't be in your life. I'm not saying to just stop talking to those people, but one thing I have learned is that people grow and change, and sometimes your friends don't always grow and change with you. Your high school friends, who you thought would be in your life forever, aren't there anymore. Same with college. Doesn't mean anyone is bad. It just means that you are not on the same level you once were, and that's a good thing.

I was listening to some acquaintances talk about the issues they have with their men, things their men say and do even though they're in a relationship. Right then and there I prayed and said, "Jesus. I don't want a man like that." (My mom told me early to pray for a good husband.) I don't want a husband who disrespects me by going to strip clubs. I don't want a husband who believes that if I'm not giving it up as frequently as he would like, that he's entitled to go elsewhere to be satisfied. There are plenty of men (who go to church on a regular basis) who believe that it's okay to do all of the above and there are plenty of women who believe it as well and will accept that type of disrespect. This is when you need Christian friends to pull you back and give you a dose of reality. Not the reality based on the amount of men who have cheated on you and your girls or the number of men who have out of wedlock children with more than one woman - but God's reality.

I was feeling a little discouraged the other day (because I just had to cut the last guy out of my life and thank him for wasting my time), but after discussing this issue with another friend of mine, who is also aiming to have a stronger relationship with God, and she brought me back to God's reality, I felt this feeling come over me. This feeling of excitement. I KNOW God is going to send me the Christian man I have been praying for. The idea of sharing my life with a man who is of God, who treats me like a Queen, who is also striving to have a closer relationship with God - that is exhilarating. He may not walk into my life tomorrow, but I know he's coming.... and I'm excited.